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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It frustrates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or being seen, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This journey will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.